


One for Sorrow

by deargalileo



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Balance Arc spoilers, Fluff and Angst, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Multi, Team as Family, jesus this took me a whole month, mentions of julia's death, rated t for cursing and non descriptive death, this is mostly angst with a teensy bit of fluff sprinkled in, timelines are messy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-08 03:50:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14685852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deargalileo/pseuds/deargalileo
Summary: One for sorrowTwo for mirthThree for a funeralFour for birthFive for heavenSix for hellSeven for the devil, his own self





	1. One for Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> The pieces of this story are not in chronological order, instead jumping from time to time in the characters lives.  
> (this is dedicated to alix, who doesn't listen to taz, but lets me talk about it for hours on end and also unknowingly gave me the inspiration for this story so even though she won't read this, i love you!)

_To-do list:_

 

  * __Get new clothes__


  * _Get on the moon (how??)_


  * ~~_Talk to Lucretia_~~


  * _Find Lucretia when she isnt on the moon THEN talk to her (how???)_


  * _Find new hideout_


  * _Record new message for new body_


  * _Find out/buy tickets to Taako’s next show_


  * _Find Lup_


  * _Check up on the others (FIND DAVENPORT)_



 

_To-do list for when back in body:_

 

  * __Go see Taako’s show__


  * _Follow any leads on relics_


  * _Buy new jeans_


  * _Read up on Raven Queen_


  * _Get sample for next human body_



 

Papers were strewn across his desk, but the mess helped him think. Barry floated above it, scanning his papers. On top of the countless maps were papers on various topics. Finding anything on the relics in books was impossible, but he had some luck with research on the Raven Queen, who seemed to be hell-bent on sending her minions to kill him, or whatever she deemed what was punishment enough. Lately, he has been chased by some bounty hunter with a stupid Cockney accent that sounded totally fake. It was more an inconvenience than anything else.

After rereading the same sentence on the Raven Queen’s and Istus’ relationship for the tenth time, Barry moved away from the desk. Soon enough, his physical body would be done and he could go follow up on some leads that he had on Lup.

_Lup._ Barry wouldn’t let himself think about how long it had been since he had last seen her. He wouldn’t let himself think about the last time he had spoken to her ( _she brushed her lips on his cheek, promising to go to bed soon, telling him to get some sleep, things would be better in the morning_ ). He wouldn’t let himself think about that, not when he had to find her. He couldn’t think about anything else other than _finding_ Lup, and bringing her home. Wherever home may be.

Barry cast one last glance at the tank where his body was forming, and left the cave. It was only a temporary home, scattered with various chests, filled with random junk. The day was only half over and he was already itching to get outside, to go look for Lup.

Not only Lup. Anyone. Any member of his family he would be ecstatic to see- hell, he would hug Lucretia if he saw her. He hadn’t seen her in two years, not since she put up a bunch of lich protection wards on the moon. She didn’t come off of the fake moon much anymore, and Barry didn’t know if that made him even more furious, or happy.

It had taken him too long, but he had managed to find almost all of the members of the Starblaster crew. The last time he saw them was a few months ago (or maybe it had been a year at this point- time kind of blurred together). Merle was travelling, preaching the word of Pan. Barry _thought_ that he had some kids, but Merle didn’t talk about that often, especially not to random jean-wearing humans who talk to him. Magnus was in a town called Raven’s Roost. Last time Barry had tracked him down, he was engaged to a pretty lady called Julia. Barry hoped they were happy, and tried to not bother them. Taako was on the road, with a TV show. Every time he thought that, he had to stifle a laugh. Lup would have _loved_ that. _Sizzle It Up with Taako and Lup._ They would have ruled the world, travelling and cooking. Barry could only hope that Lucretia would have the decency to leave him with the twins, keep him close to Lup. The Voidfish couldn’t erase a century of love, and Barry hoped that if it had gone that way, him and Lup would have fallen in love again.

Magnus was the first one that Barry found. He found him after a long year. A full year of being a lich, and wandering, looking for Lup, looking for Taako, looking for his family. Barry was certain that he was the only one who remembered, but that didn’t lessen the pain when he came to a city where Magnus was travelling through. He saw the man through the crowds and nearly screamed. He did everything that he could think of to get Magnus’ attention, but in the end it was useless. If Magnus did see him, he didn’t recognize Barry. His shoulders were lighter, they didn’t seem like they were holding the weight of a century full of death and pain (a century full of love, and family). Magnus didn’t remember.

When Barry found Lucretia, he didn’t recognize her. He was in his human body, which he was quickly realizing that forgot everything the second he stepped out of the tank. All that he registered was that there was a vaguely familiar woman, who stopped in the middle of the sidewalk as Barry passed her. She looked like she had seen a ghost, but didn’t move. Barry had forgotten about the event as the day went on, but when he was back in his lich form, Barry remembered. Lucretia, while she was definitely more of a woman of action than before, still would freeze up. It often happened when they had scary story night on the Starblaster (one of the many events created to stave off the boredom), but this time it happened when she saw someone who she thought was dead very much alive.

Barry made it his next goal (number two, after finding Lup) to find Lucretia while in lich form. He was partially hoping to scare the shit out of her because he was still EXTREMELY angry. But he also just needed to see her. She was still his family, and she might be the only one who remembers him, and knows who he is. One of the only ones who can help him look for Lup.

But he couldn’t fucking find Davenport. There was no sign of him. Seeing Lucretia was just an off chance- she had left hardly any trace in this world. But Davenport… He was gone. Like he had never existed. And he was their captain, always was and always would be, so to have him just vanish like this felt wrong.

This whole thing felt wrong. This shifting in between bodies and lich form, the absence of friends and family. Some mornings he woke up and instinctively wondered why Lup had let him sleep in, they had so much work to do but- oh. Lup was gone, and so was the rest of the crew. Barry spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to recreate the Lup and Taako’s recipes. Minus the magic, of course, but the food, the ingredients. The warm home cooked smell. But none of it worked, none of it felt real, so Barry was left with a half-burned meal and a cave that felt too empty. It all felt too empty- after a whole century of being with people, suddenly the absence of people felt wrong and weird.

That is why his next goal is to get onto the fake moon. He didn’t know much about the business that Lucy was running up there, only that she was looking for the relics. His plan was to somehow get up there, and try to talk some sense into her. And if that didn’t work, just try to talk to her. Have her _see_ him. It would be close to impossible, with all of the security precautions that Lucretia put up, but he could do it. He was willing to do anything, for his family.

Because he would get his family back. He would get Magnus and Merle, Taako and Davenport. He would track down Lucretia, have some serious words with her, but hug her for a good long time. And they would find Lup.

They were a family, and no matter how big and bad the pain and agony of being alone felt now, it would one day feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> barry then tries to get on the moon, fails pretty badly thanks to lucretia's wards, gets pissed, and starts plotting to possess pringles.   
> kudos and comments mean a lot!!


	2. Two for Mirth

If you had asked her how they had gotten into this position, she wouldn’t have been able to answer you. If you had asked about how they had gotten there, in the grand scheme of things, she would have rolled her eyes and pointed to Taako. Taako would then have shrugged, and said something vague about seeing a poster for the IPRE that looked cool.

But if you had asked Lup how she had gotten there, lying on the kitchen floor of the Starblaster, with food covering her, the kitchen and all of her fellow crew members? Yeah, she wouldn’t have an answer for you.

Taako was to the left of her, but he was still standing, rapidly spelling sauce off of the counters and flinging it at Magnus. Lup gave another weak giggle as she heard the _splat_ noise of the sauce hitting the wall, and presumably Magnus. Her stomach ached with how hard she was laughing, and she didn’t think that she could stand up if she wanted. Lup couldn’t see much of the kitchen from her position, but she could see Taako, who had noodles in his hair, and unidentifiable food stains on the ceiling. She knew that there was some syrupy substance on her shirt and hands, but wasn’t entirely certain of where that had come from.

There was a shuffle of footsteps next to Lup, and suddenly, Lucretia was beside her. She was clinging to her journal like it was her most prized possession (it probably was), and had a mischievous smirk on her face. Lup knew her well enough to recognize the look on her face, and felt like her face was splitting in two with how hard she was smiling.

“What did you do?” Lup wheezed out between giggles, forcing herself up until she was leaning against the cabinets. Lucretia leaned forward until she was close to Lup’s ear before whispering two words.

“ _Pocket pudding._ ”

With that, Lup, understandably, lost it. Cackles erupted from her as she toppled over and into Lucretia’s lap. Lucretia was laughing too, and she could hear Taako’s evil cackle (it wasn’t really evil, he just wanted everyone to think that it was).

“Who?” Lup finally managed to whisper back. Lucretia’s eyes went wide, and Lup felt her own eyes mirror.

“All of them.”

That it what it took to get Lup on her feet, pointing an accusing finger and whoever was closest.

The scene in the kitchen was more hilarious than she had originally thought. Magnus had tomato paste smeared on his face like it was war paint, Davenport was holding up a breadstick like it was a sword, Merle was yelling some gibberish while brandishing a banana (a mental image that Lup would try to forget as soon as possible) and Barry, sweet, lovely Barry looked like he was drenched in water, but a quick look at his white shirt confirmed that it was a fruit juice of some sort. Though Davenport had a seriously competitive look on his face, there was still a gleam in his eye that matched the mood of the room. Taako was still cackling, but Magnus was laughing big belly laughs that echoed through the whole room. There were a few opened and emptied bottle of wine that lay forgotten on the table, and dinner plates strewn about.

Lup’s finger landed in Magnus’ direction, and he looked startled, as if she had just popped up into existence.  

“In your pocket!” She screeched. In Magnus’ liquor inhibited state, he automatically reached for his pocket. His fingers had only made it millimeters in before he grimaced, and pulled his hand out again.

“What the shit?” He yelled back, the tips of his fingers coated in a thick brown substance. Lup heard Lucretia laughing behind her, and it was enough to make Lup collapse against the counter in laughter again. “That’s fucking sick? What the hell is that?” Lup had to wipe away tears, but was just in time to see him stick a pudding coated finger into his mouth.

Both Taako and Lup shrieked at the same time, but Magnus went through with the motion anyway. His lips pulled up into a sneer, and Magnus spat onto the floor.

“Oh, god, come on guys, can we just-” Davenport started, but he shoved his hand into his pocket, presumably to check his watch, but froze mid-sentence. As quickly as he put his hand in there, Davenport yanked his hand out, disgusted. There was still a thick substance covering his hand, but this one was a pale tan color, and had a few pieces of lint stuck on it. “Is- is this-” Davenport sputtered for a few moments. “Pocket pudding?”

Lup threw her head back and cackled madly.

“Lup, did you do this? How the fuck-” Taako started to ask. Without looking at him, she could tell the moment that he realized that he was victim to the pocket pudding as well. “Lulu- _no!_ ” Lup flashed her brother a gleaming smile.

“Wasn’t me, sorry bro-bro. Just enjoying the show.”

“But I _love_ these pants, you are going to so fucking pay for this-”

She picked up a lone piece of bread, and chucked it at Taako, reigniting the food fight. Magnus let out a small yell of protest when, having been distracted by the pudding, got hit in the face with Davenport’s breadstick. That was all that the others needed, and soon Lup and Taako were back to back, rapidly throwing up shields and flinging food back. Lucretia was still on the floor, but she was sketching the scene with a small shield guarding her notebook.

Lup was momentarily distracted when Merle tentatively stuck his finger in the pudding, then into his mouth, so she didn’t notice until it was too late.

Taako, her brother, her _own twin_ , had scooped as much of the pudding out of his pockets as he could, and dumped it on her head.

Lup yelled, running away. She grabbed at her hair, trying to get some of that nasty substance out so she could fling it back at him. “Lucy, get him!” She yelled behind her shoulder. Lup dove for cover behind one of the chairs.

Behind her, she heard Taako yelp. “Lucretia, Luce, come on- no- where the hell are you getting all of this pudding?!”

Lup poked her head out from behind the chair. Taako was now covered in pudding, and Lucretia looked very pleased with herself. She couldn’t see Barry from her position, but she trusted him to not betray her in the way that Taako just had.

She started to make a pile of all of the food that was close to her, ready to attack preferably Taako, or whoever else got close enough for her.  

Before she had enough food to attack, there was another warm body pressing against her. It was Barry, and his hands were covered in pudding. He thankfully didn’t reach out to grab Lup, though she’s not sure that it would have made much of difference, thanks to Taako.

“Hey babe,” she drawled, holding a piece of bread behind her back in case Barry was here to double cross her. Barry smiled, although it came off as more of a grimace when he sat, his jeans making a squelching noise. “Lucy really did get you guys good.”

“That was Lucretia? Damn. Should have known- we have to look out for her next year when it comes to prank wars.”

“Are we going to team up next year?” Lup asked, using her free hand to wipe away some pudding that was falling into her eyes. Barry shrugged.

“If you wanted to. I thought since you know Taako the best you would know what pranks he would try to do.”

“Sounds good hun, but you know that Taako will use every chance he has to dunk on you for-”

“Less talking! More fighting!” Taako yelled, making Lup go quiet. She raised an eyebrow at Barry, who nodded.

She leaned close to him, hoping that none of the others could hear them.

“Let’s go for Taako. We both have enough pudding to totally destroy him. My baby bro is going down.” She smiled as Barry nodded again.

“But isn’t he only three minutes younger-”

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

Lup leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to Barry’s lips, then started to pull as much of the pudding out of her hair as she could. “But, I think this is one of the best ideas that we have had in awhile. Fuck up the kitchen as much as possible only one or two days before we have to leave, so our clothes, food and kitchen all reset. That’s pretty bomb.”

Barry beamed back at her, a light flush gracing his face. “On my signal, let’s go?” He nodded, just as Taako yelled something about how he could hear them plotting. Lup wound her arm back, and flung the piece of bread into the air. There was a soft thunk, and Merle shouted.

“Who the fuck threw bread at me?” Lup stuck her hand out from behind the chair.

“Sorry, that was me. I was aiming for Ko!” At that moment, both Barry and Lup jumped out, and started flinging the disgusting pudding at Taako. Lucretia got some on her in the initial attack, but Lup was laughing so hard that she couldn’t be sure.  

It was a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p o c k e t p u d d i n g
> 
> (kudos and comments motivate me to write/post faster!! also i have another taz fic on my ao3 account, called 'you are my heart' which you should totally check out while you wait for me to post the next update of this bc that is completed w +10k words!)


	3. Three for a Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this specific story has many flashbacks. many apologies if it is confusing.

“It’s not your fault, Magnus.” Someone to the left of him mumbled. Magnus didn’t bother turning. His eyes were trained on the wooden casket, beautifully carved. There were flowers carved into the corners. Magnus had made some of the caskets that were here tonight. But out of the 76 caskets that were placed on a massive field, there were only two that he was focused on. 

Magnus had friends in Ravens Roost, but no one else came as close to meaning as much to him as Steven Waxman and… 

And Julia.

* * *

 

There was dirt on his shirt, and his bag that was slung around his back was getting heavy, but Magnus felt great. He was in a new town-  _ Raven’s Roost _ , what a cool name was that?- and it was a new, fresh start. His first stop was initially the inn, hopefully there would still be an open room for him, but he had stopped in front of a quaint store. The wooden sign advertised carpentry, and Magnus felt his fingers twitch. He hadn’t done  _ a lot  _ of carving, but enough where he could make some pretty rad ducks. There was something soothing about holding a block of wood and a blade in his hands, and his hands itched to make more,  _ do  _ more.

So, Magnus rushed in. The bell on the door rang, and Magnus walked into the store, smiling as he inhaled the smell of wood. 

In the front, there was a counter. There were various papers on top of it, but other than that, the place looked deserted. That is, until a woman bustled out of a door to the left of Magnus, which he hadn’t noticed previously. He stumbled backwards, nearly crashing into a very nice looking set of furniture, making the woman laugh. 

His eyes flew up and followed the woman as she moved behind the counter and put some more books on it. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Welcome in, can I help you with anything?” 

She was the most beautiful thing that Magnus had ever seen.

* * *

 

Magnus gazed over the field. Most of the crowd was gathered in one area, listening to people’s speeches and the sad organ music. Few wandered around the coffins. Magnus saw a few children wander around, looking lost, and his heart tugged. 

The city had lost so much. There was so much work to do- someone had to track down Kalen,  _ make him pay _ , so much of the city needed repairs. And Magnus knew this, he knew that his help, his expertise would be needed, but he didn’t care. His heart felt numb, and everything was dull.

Magnus had to help rebuild the city. He had led the revolution, and it led to this. ( _ Was all of this his fault? _ ) It was the least he could do, and maybe stick around long enough to find a new leader. But all Magnus wanted to do was run away, just leave Raven’s Roost. Maybe he would find Kalen, or maybe he would change his name, and get as far away as possible. He  _ should _ help this city, the city that had given him everything good in his life. But how could he, when his family was gone? He had just found a family, he, for the first time in a long time, wasn’t alone. But they were ripped apart so, so quickly.

* * *

 

It had all happened so quickly, the moments that had mattered. 

On their first date Magnus took her to a local restaurant, exchanging stories until the place closed. As they walked through the park Magnus remembers feeling panicked, like time was moving too quickly, and soon the night would be over. He would walk her up to her door, and say goodbye. They would only see each other in the morning at the shop, but Magnus didn’t want to say goodnight- 

But when Julia had kissed him softly on the lips, he found himself sated for the night. When he came to the shop in the morning for work, Julia was there, already asking when their next date would be. 

He proposed on their fourth date, the words coming out unexpectedly. Julia had laughed, not unkindly, and Magnus decided that it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. Well, the second most beautiful sound, after Julia saying “ _ yes _ ”. Julia had then sat back, and told him that they needed to have a few more dates, for Steven’s sake. 

Their wedding was small and simple, with only a few close friends and Julia’s father officiating it. The whole thing was not a big party, but it was  _ their  _ moment. The couple had a short honeymoon out of town before returning to Raven’s Roost. 

And they fought. Of course they did, no couple was perfect. Magnus would work too hard and Julia didn’t like to talk about her feelings in the way that Magnus did, but that was okay. They worked through it, because they  _ loved  _ each other. Julia was Magnus’ soulmate, and he could never imagine not being by her side. 

He would do anything to gain those moments back. The good, the bad, even the time where Julia made him sleep on the couch (he woke up the next morning with his wife curled up next to him, fast asleep).

* * *

 

All of these graves would be buried. Magnus would help with that, he was sure of it. But for now, he ran a hand over Julia’s grave, his  _ wife’s  _ coffin. The coffin from first glance wasn’t his greatest work. There were scratches that should have been buffered, and some of the carving was jerky. Magnus didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. He had spent three days, of building these two coffins. Three days of non-stop working, carving. The shop remained closed, although he doubted that anyone would come in wanting to buy a fucking duck or something. 

Magnus cried. He sobbed over the wood, and his hands shook so much that his hands would slip on the blade and he would cut his finger. There were flowers carved into the corner, and a tiny bird on the top. 

Magnus didn’t know much about death. He didn’t know anything about an afterlife, and necromancy. He knew that a few years back, there was a man in Raven’s Roost who dabbled in necromancy, but he vanished after his work was exposed to the public. But Magnus didn’t know where Julia was, if she was  _ happy _ , if she was safe, if she was with Steven- 

He didn’t know. And there was no one he could ask, no one who would give him the answers. 

Magnus felt tears gather in his eyes, and he let them fall. Julia was dead. Steven was dead. They were dead and-  _ was it his fault? He wasn’t there to protect them, he wasn’t there to help fight by their sides _ -. Magnus didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to function without them. What is a life worth living if his soulmate was gone? 

To his left, organs played a funeral hymn loudly. Loud sobs came from that area as well, but he couldn’t bring himself to take his eyes off of Julia’s grave. That is, until he felt like someone was watching him. An uneasy feeling pricked at the back of his neck, making Magnus whip around. 

Most of the other citizens of Raven’s Roost had moved back over to where the main ceremony was, but Magnus caught sight of a flash of something behind a tree. 

A flash of red. 

Magnus started to move over to investigate, but was stopped when he saw a woman staring straight at him. Her face was hard, not showing any emotion, but Magnus saw the way her hands shook as she clutched the staff in her hands. Something about her made his head hurt, and the second they made eye contact, she whirled away and disappeared into the crowd. 

She wasn’t from Raven’s Roost, Magnus would have recognized her. Then who was she? It seemed unlikely that she was a family member of one of the deceased, because no one heard about the attack. No one came to help, no one knew what had happened. Raven’s Roost was small enough as is, so it would soon fade back into nothing. People would forget about Kalen, they would forget about the small city that sometimes sent support to neighboring towns, even if the support was three men armed with whatever they had. 

Magnus didn’t want to forget- that is what he feared the most. Forgetting his life, forgetting Julia, forgetting Steven and Raven’s Roost, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t forget anything, not the good moments, and not the bad moments. He feared the day that he would wake up and not remember what Julia’s voice sounded like, how the sunlight made her glow mid-day.

Regardless of who that woman was, she was gone now. She was already a distant memory as Magnus began to watch people lower coffins into the ground. It would be a while until they got to Julia and Steven’s graves, but the panic in his chest was there. 

He didn’t know what he was going to do next. Maybe take some random jobs out of town- make his way to Neverwinter, or something like that. 

Magnus pressed his hand on his wife’s grave one last time, closing his eyes. He should stay for the whole funeral, he  _ should _ , but he couldn’t. He had to go, he had to get out of here-

“I love you, Jules.  _ So  _ much.” His voice cracked, and he found that he didn’t know what to say next. He didn’t know how to say goodbye. So Magnus didn’t. “I will see you, okay? Don’t go falling in love with any other rouge-ish looking fellas, because I will see you soon.” 

Then, Magnus turned away. He walked, placing footstep after footstep down firmly, refusing to let himself falter. He refused to look behind him, to answer to the few people he heard call him distantly. He didn’t stop walking until he was at the home that he shared with his wife. Once inside, he grabbed some spare money he found laying on the table, and wrote a note explaining that any money that the shop gathered, or anything he left behind would go straight to those who had lost loved ones in the attack. Magnus may not be staying, but hopefully the money could help  _ someone.  _

And with that, Magnus left Raven’s Roost, with only the memory of his family, and the brief time that he had spent with them, 

He left, and Magnus did look back. He thought about it daily, the attack, the city plagued his dreams, but he refused to go back. 

The plan was to hunt down Kalen for a few months, or at least until he ran out of money. Then he would get a job, and try to live quietly. If he happened to get a dangerous job, and he happened to be killed protecting someone, that would be fine. He would be able to slip away quietly, and go see his love again. 

Magnus left Raven’s Roost with nothing but the clothes on his back and a memory, one that he would remember forever.

* * *

 

Julia giggled, and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ cheek. 

“Wake up, darling,” She whispered, and Magnus groaned. Sunlight filtered in through the windows and lit up the room softly, yet Magnus still buried his head in the pillow. “Time to get up, bear.” 

“Don’wanna,” Magnus mumbled, making Julia laugh again. He felt her hair tickle his neck. Julia pressed kisses against his neck, leading up to the cheek that she could reach, and pressed her lips gently on the arch of his eyebrow. Magnus hummed, and shifted. He didn’t have to see his wife to know that there was a smirk on her face, but she kissed him on the lips anyway. “I know that we run the place, and technically we live right above the store, but do you think anyone would notice if we stayed in bed for a bit longer?” He wrinkled his eyes open, squinting, trying to let his eyes adjust to the light. 

Julia kissed him once, twice, three times more on the lips, before nodding. 

“Maggie, they would totally notice. Seeing how my dad works for us, and how we usually have the shop open by now so he can get to work, he probably has realized that we slept in already.” Magnus groaned, curling an arm around Julia’s waist. 

“Five more minutes?” 

Julia sighed, but she was still smiling. She slid back into bed, curling into Magnus’ side, pressing one last kiss into his shoulder. 

“Fine. Five more minutes- no more than that.” 

Two hours later, when they finally came downstairs, Steven had already opened up shop, but said nothing about the delay, simply giving the two a smile as Julia leaned over the counter to give her father a kiss on the cheek. 

Julia squeezed Magnus’ hand once more before he disappeared back into the workshop to work on some new orders, and Magnus couldn’t imagine ever being happier. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i, too, would love to wake up in the morning with my beautiful wife then stay in bed cuddling for an extra two hours.   
> comments/kudos = sweet sweet validation = faster chapters :)   
> thanks for reading!!


	4. Four for a Birth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter also consists of flashbacks! italics are flashbacks just so you know :)

“Sir!” A voice called behind him. Merle turned, already smiling and arms open. He had only come to the town to spread the word of Pan a few days ago, but his message was already being widely accepted. There was a woman, rushing up to him, with something in her arms. Her face looked worried, and a bead of sweat was running down her temple, as if she had been running. 

She didn’t need to be close to see that there was a child nestled in her arms, amid many blankets. As she got closer Merle saw that the child’s face was red, and scrunched up. “My daughter- she’s sick, and the doctors won’t help me- I don’t have any money-” The woman rushed out, but Merle interrupted her by raising an hand. 

“Slow down. Here, let me see the little munchkin-” The woman gingerly handed the baby to Merle, and Merle instantly felt like he was in a different world, looking at a different child. 

_ Merle stared in awe at the little tiny being that rested in his arms. Nestled in between blankets, laid his son. His son. Hekuba laid in the bed complaining about something, but Merle wasn’t listening, he couldn’t pay any attention to her when his son was in his arms. He had helped create this, this tiny creature. The baby yawned, eyes still squeezed shut. His little fists waved in the air, one clutched onto Merle’s index finger. Merle quietly mumbled thanks to Pan, and turned back to Hekuba. Her face softened for a millisecond when she saw the two, but hardened again as she asked him to get her some water, now, goddammit.  _

_ Merle smiled at her anyway, because although they may have their differences, they had a son now. They had a son and a daughter. They had a little family of their own, and they would make it work.  _

“Sir?” The woman asked hesitantly, jolting Merle out of his memory. The baby in his arms had started to cry, wails piercing the air. Merle shuffled, trying to keep the child in his arms while pulling out his Extreme Teen Bible. 

“When did they get sick?” 

“Uh- her name is Zeeza, she woke up a few days ago with a fever, and I couldn’t afford the doctor-” 

“Hello Zeeza,” Merle cooed the the still crying child. He knelt to the ground, putting his book down and flipping to a page. “First, I can cast  _ calm emotion _ ,” he announced, trying not to think about his own children. 

_ “Dad-” Mavis started, startling Merle from his seat in the desk. “Oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you-”  _

_ “Mavis, it’s fine,” Merle said, turning around. Mavis was holding a book as usual, and had it pressed against her chest. “What’s up honey?” _

_ “I- was just, uh-” Before she could get any further, Mookie’s wails increased in volume, making them both wince.  _

_ “Want me to cast calm emotion on your little brother?” Merle guessed, but Mavis looked panicked.  _

_ “Well- I don’t want to force you to cast magic? On your own baby? It’s just I need some quiet so I can finish my homework, I have this project that-” Merle waved a hand to cut her off, already standing up from his chair.  _

_ “I was just about to do it myself. Don’t worry, hun. You can go do your homework.” Mavis smiled in relief, and followed Merle as he walked out of his office.  _

_ “Thanks, Dad.” She said quietly. Merle was about to respond when he realized that Mavis had already vanished, probably off to her room.  _

_ “You are welcome, pumpkin,” He responded, although no one was there.  _

The child was crying harder, and harder, making Merle more panicked. He tried not to show that though, and instead focused on his god. 

“Pan, if you are out there, buddy, could use a little help here,” He mumbled under his breath, trying to rock the child back and forth in his arms. As he cast  _ calm emotion _ , Zeeza stopped crying, but her face was still red and feverish. 

Just before Merle cast  _ cure wounds _ , he saw the grass beneath his feet curl towards him. He smiled confidently, and cast the spell, knowing that Pan was on his side. 

As he cast the spell, he could see the fever break, and Zeeza’s tiny face relax. Her breathing normalized, and her mother who was watching closely let out a small sob. 

“Thank you, thank you so much,” she cried, but Merle only smiled at her. He let Zeeza grab his finger and gently shake it. She seemed to be entranced by the flowers that were in his beard, so he picked a daisy that was growing out of the grown and put it in her other hand. Zeeza beamed, waving the flower in her hand and shaking the fist that was clutching Merle’s finger. “You are good with children,” Zeeza’s mother observed. “Are you a father yourself?” 

_ Mookie may be young, but he already has enough energy to run a marathon. He was getting close to speaking, but wasn’t actually able to form tangible words yet. That is, until Mavis called out for Merle one day.  _

_ He had left Mavis in charge of the baby while he worked out in the garden. Hekuba proclaimed that she needed the day to herself earlier that morning, and had walked out presumably to go shopping. Merle took this time to do some much needed gardening, and catching up with some of his plants. He was mid-sentence when Mavis called out for him.  _

_ “Dad! Come here, Mooki-” Merle was on his feet in an instant, running into the house. He knew Hekuba would give him hell for all of the dirt that he was tracking in, but he couldn’t think of that, only focused on how Mookie could be hurt, Mavis could be hurt- _

_ When he rushed into the living room where he last saw them, his first thought was relief. There was no blood anywhere, and Mavis was smiling at him.  _

_ “Dad, listen,” Mavis said, and turned back to Mookie. Mookie was laying on his stomach and babbling incoherently, smiling a big toothy grin. Merle settled down on the couch, and watched as Mavis cooed at her baby brother.  _

_ “Come on, say it again! Say it again, Mookie! Da-”  _

_ “Dada!” Mookie shouted, beaming. As Mavis turned back to smile at Merle, he felt floored.  _

_ “He- he said dada!” Merle whispered, before standing up and pumping his fist in the air. “He said dada!” Merle swooped down low and picked up Mookie, swinging him into the air. Mookie gurgled happily, but then looked like he was going to spit up, so Merle put him down again. That didn’t deter his happiness though, and he pulled Mavis into a hug.  _

_ “Can you believe that I have been blessed by Pan? Both of my children are the smartest in the whole world.” Mavis giggled, and shook her head.  _

_ “I doubt that-”  _

_ “Well I sure as hell don’t! You know what this calls for? Fantasy burgers.” Merle picked Mookie up again, and started to head for the door. “Come on! We can even get milkshakes to celebrate, right Mookie? Do you want a milkshake?” _

_ “Dada!” Mookie agreed, and spit up all over himself and Merle.  _

_ “Dad, Mookie can’t have milkshakes, he’s just a baby-” Mavis chimed in behind him, already getting baby wipes.  _

_ “Aw, who says that?”  _

_ “Literally every sane person.” Mavis shot back, making Merle bark out a laugh.  _

_ “Okay, kid, you got me. But that only means more milkshake for us.”  _

Merle cleared his throat, his voice suddenly sounding gruff. 

“I- uh, yeah. I am. But I haven’t seen them in a while.” He muttered, and handed the happy Zeeza to her mother again. She sighed, clearly relieved to have her child healthy and back in her arms. 

“Thank you so much, but I am afraid that I don’t have much to pay you with-” She started, but Merle waved her off yet again. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m a cleric, it is my job. Is there anything else you need?” Merle offered. Zeeza twisted around in her mother’s grasp, and smiled toothily at Merle, earning a smile back.

“No, thank you, you have done so much already, I don’t know how I can ever repay you-” 

“Don’t worry about it. Bye Zeeza!” Merle waved at the baby before gazing the woman in the eyes. “Take care of yourself. Pan bless you.” He picked up his book, and turned around, already plotting what town he would go to next. 

He hadn’t seen his own children in nearly three months. With the rate that Mookie was growing at, he was probably already huge. And Mavis… She was growing up quickly too, she was already 13-going-on-three hundred when Merle left. 

As he always did when he thought of his children, his chest felt tight, and he wondered if he should go back. Go back and apologize for leaving, and never leave again. He should, that would be the right thing to do. 

Merle looked up at the sky, trying to chase all thoughts of his children out of his mind. Of children in  _ general _ , no matter how cute that Zeeza was (Mookie was cuter when he was a baby, though). 

He looked briefly to the sky, wondering if he should pray and ask Pan. He has wondered this every day since he left, and still hadn’t done it. Pan, if he did answer, would probably tell him to go back home. If that was even his home. 

One day, he will head home. He will go home and have Mookie and Mavis be so proud of him, be so proud of the father that he had become. He would just have to actually become that father first. 

He could do it. He could be a better man, he would be a better man and father, Pan help him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be my favorite part?? Oof i love merle and i don’t write him enough. this section made me a bit more teary eyed lol  
> can you guess who the next chapter will be about??? hint: the title is "five for heaven" so skfhsdslfhs YAAY comment what you think it will be


	5. Five for Heaven

He had just gotten the news. Taako had found a newspaper in a nearby town and snatched it, his hat pulled far over his head. Every time he passed someone on the street his shoulders would tense, and his hands would shake. The slouch wouldn’t be good for his posture, but the cost of being caught would be way worse. 

He had made the headlines. Last week, making the headlines would have delighted him. Now, it made his limbs feel like they were made out of cement. There it was on the front page- “ _ Freak accident kills 40 in cooking show _ ”.  40 people. 40 people were dead. That meant that everyone in that caravan except for him was dead. He was the only survivor, and their murderer. He should've died instead, it should have only been one instead of forty. Why didn’t he just taste the damn food before serving it? It didn’t matter that he had made that exact meal a million times, he should have known better. He should have paid more attention to the thin line that is good magic and harmful magic. 

He had made that damn ‘Thirty Garlic Clove Chicken’ a million times, Taako could make it with his eyes closed. That is where he had fucked up, he should have paid more attention. 

Sazed was gone, he ditched the first chance he got. It kinda sucked when Taako woke up to realize that Sazed had left- if it was bad enough for  _ him _ , then it must be some real shit.

But Taako knew that. He knew that 40 people were dead, and he was still alive. How the hell was that fair? If anything, he was the one who had committed the sins- he was too greedy, wanted more and more, and was selfish. Was this his punishment? Was some cruel god trying to teach him a lesson?

Taako’s food had never… Hurt anyone. Never killed anyone. There was once, when a human child had an allergic reaction to the oranges that Taako had used to make a cake, but his parents had the medicine with them, and within moments the boy was running around excitedly again. Taako remembered standing there, terrified as the boy had convulsed once, and as his eyes shut.  _ He had frozen _ \- it was like it had never occurred to him that people could be hurt by his food. He also remembered the utter relief when the boy had sat up again and asked what had happened. After that event, Taako  _ always  _ wrote out every ingredient that went into whatever he was making for the show. 

Funny how he couldn’t even stick to that recipe, when it really mattered.

Currently, Taako was huddled close to a small campfire. Every so often he would rip a piece off of the newspaper and throw it in the fire so it would hopefully last the night. He did have his wagon, but it got very cold at night. Most of Taako’s things were left in the caravan where  _ it  _ happened. Taako had just bolted, taking with him only a small bag of money and food, and whatever was in his wagon that he slept in. There wasn’t much in his wagon- Sazed recently had been going through bouts of throwing away half of Taako’s belongings, claiming spring cleaning even though it was the middle of fall. And when Sazed had ditched only a few days ago, he had taken even more. 

The fire popped, startling Taako out of his thoughts. In the distance, a bird tittered, but he couldn’t hear from where… Gods, he was hungry. He hadn’t eaten since the accident, but maybe that was a good thing. Or maybe not- he should pay for his sins, let himself suffer and die slowly like those who he had  _ killed.  _

Taako hoped they were in a good place. He hoped that they were  _ together _ , there were too many families there who had died. Too many children, too many teens, too many adults. Too many people died. 

Maybe there was a heaven. Maybe there wasn’t. Maybe there was only suffering on this bitch of a planet then darkness. 

Would that be so bad? 

His stomach grumbled loudly. Taako’s hands shook as his mind filled up with various foods that he could make, even with the meager supplies that he had now. If he hadn’t killed forty fucking people, maybe he could transmute something and make a bomb ass meal. 

If he hadn’t killed forty people, Taako wouldn’t be sitting here right now, freezing his ass off in the middle of nowhere by a shitty fire. 

Taako sighed and stood up, stomping out the already dying fire and climbing into his wagon. All that was in there were some cookbooks and a few blankets among random trinkets that Taako had collected over the years. He would burn the cookbooks for more fire in the coming days, then have to start moving. He couldn’t stay in one place for too long- he may be sorry for all that he had done, but there was no way in hell that he was going to jail. 

So, he would keep running. No one could tie the great Taako down.

He would just have to find a new job. And some clean clothes. And a new talent- now that his cooking stint was over, he needed a new party trick. 

As he laid down on the mattress, Taako folded his arms under his head, and squeezed his eyes shut tight. No matter how hard he tried, he always felt like this wasn’t how his life was supposed to go. No matter what he did, something was inside of him screaming  _ no, this isn’t the right way! _ Then what was the right way?

Taako had to make a living somehow. He was just a simple idiot wizard, nothing more and nothing less. When the opportunity came up to take his show on the road, how could he not? Then Sazed showed up, and everything seemed to make sense for once. He was doing something that he was  _ good  _ at, something he could actually do, and people actually liked it, they bought more tickets, they told their friends. Taako was actually  _ something _ , people wanted and liked him. 

And  _ Sazed,  _ god, he was wonderful. He helped out so much, and worshiped the land that Taako walked on. Yes, they had hooked up once or twice, but Taako cut it off once Sazed started bringing up his role in the show more and more. Sazed wanted his shot at glory, yes, they all did, but this empire that Taako had built was  _ his,  _ and his alone. Maybe that was selfish, but that was Taako’s way. When you got something good, keep it close and don’t let the world take it away. 

In the back of Taako’s mind he wondered if he had fully put out the fire. He wouldn’t mind that much if the fire started again, and set fire to the wagon. Taako wondered if he would scream, and run away, or would he just let it happen. 

The plan was to stay out of any cities, for a while at least. He didn’t want to know what the public was saying about him anymore. There was no way that he could easily disappear into the background. He had killed  _ 40 people _ , Gods, forty people were dead because of him! 

Taako wasn’t a religious man- if there was a god out there, maybe they should have helped Taako out when he was 14 and considering selling his body just so he could have something to eat for the night. No, he didn’t believe in a higher being, especially not now. But now, Taako prayed. 

He had twisted in the remaining blanket that he had, and faced the ceiling of the wagon. Taako prayed that there was somewhere nice that they went to. He hoped that none of the families got separated, and that the whole place-heaven-whatever the fuck was filled with sunshine and butterflies, or some shit like that. 

They didn’t deserve what he had done to them. When Taako finally kicked the bucket, he wouldn’t go to heaven, he deserve it. At least he wouldn’t be forced to see those who he had killed. 

Right before he fell asleep, Taako startled, fully awake again. Fresh images of people doubling over after eating his food, of Sazed’s sneer of disgust when he came into the caravan, of the child who must have been only six who was sitting in the front row tug at Taako’s sleeve, begging for help. 

It wasn’t until there was soft grass under his feet did he realize that he was outside, his breath coming in pants. Taako looked up at the sky above him. It was the same as always, dark, and full of stars. Nothing more and nothing less. 

In that moment, Taako felt miniscule. He was tiny, insignificant and he should have stayed that way, only picking up odd jobs to make ends meet. He should have never started Sizzle It Up, he should have never started to cook. 

Taako began to scream. He yelled, he sobbed, he threatened the sky. No one was around miles, but  _ Gods  _ he hoped someone was listening because he couldn’t handle the weight of this guilt alone anymore. 

As his voice grew raw and choked, Taako didn’t stop staring at the sky. He was daring someone, anyone, to come down and strike him dead right at this moment. He deserved it, he needed it. 

But nothing happened. No lightning strike, no hellfire raining down on him. 

So Taako went back into his wagon, and went back to sleep. 

 

* * *

 

_ Light-years away, Istus frowned as she tied the final knot in her newest creation. She frowned, looking at it. He may not know it yet, but he was important. He was going to find happiness, but not soon, nowhere near to soon. As much as she wanted to pluck him out of this storyline and give him a happier tale, his fate was woven into the universe already. He would find happiness, happiness would find him, but he had to save the world first.  _

_ Still, it hurt to see him in this pain, knowing all that she did.  _

_ Istus put the large blanket over a rack, stepping back so she could inspect it more closely. Soon, though. Soon he would find his family, even if he won’t know it at the time. He would begin his journey, his final journey.  _

_ Istus sighed, and picked up her needles again. She started to knit a new piece as images flashed by her, whispering the secrets of the universe. In the back of her mind, though, she kept Taako there.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: oooh taako is so hard to write i always feel like i get his character messed up so i wont write a long chapter for him  
> also me: lets make taako’s part one of the longest parts


	6. Six for Hell

His hands shook. They did a lot, and he could do nothing to stop them. He tried to do what Lucy did when she trembled, and take deep breaths. But nothing stopped them. Even as he brought a dainty teacup out to her, his hands trembled, making the cup shake. Davenport stopped, and stared at the liquid, giving a nonverbal dare to spill over. 

He didn’t  _ feel  _ panicked. His breathing was normal, and he felt fine. His mind was static, and his soul felt numb, just as it always was. 

Davenport continued on his journey, stepping neatly over piles of books that littered the floor. He would clean them up but he knew that Lucy would only throw them back in the same spot by the end of the day. She has been very stressed out lately, ever since the Chalice was retrieved. More stressed than usual, that is. She locked herself away in her office more often, and Davenport didn’t know what to do. Deep down, he felt this turmoil inside of him, he was filled with feelings that he couldn’t name, but if he tried to think about it, his head would hurt. In result of that, he would shove all of that away and focus on helping Lucy. 

And not think about how he doesn’t remember anything before the Bureau. About how he is the only one who calls Lucy by that. About the look of pain that flashes over her face every time he did it. Not that it mattered now, Davenport couldn’t say anything. He could scream out and all that would come out is a meek “ _ Davenport _ ”. That was fine, though. He had Lucy, and speaking of… Davenport knocked on her office door, but opened it when there was no response. 

Inside, Lucy was sitting at her desk, but her head was down on top of papers and such. Davenport walked towards her cautiously, but breathed a sigh of relief when a soft snore came from her. She was just sleeping. 

Hands still trembling, he placed the cup down on the desk next to her. 

More than ever now, something inside of Davenport was  _ screaming _ . But Davenport ignored it, found a blanket that laid forgotten on the couch and draped it on top of her. She stirred a bit when he did so, but didn’t wake. Davenport tried to force something out of his mouth, something quiet. 

_ You deserve some sleep.  _

_ I hope you have nice dreams.  _

_ If you need any help, I am here for you.  _

But all that came out was a croaking, “Davenport.” 

Davenport quickly exited the room, and shut the door behind him. Since Lucy was getting some much needed sleep, his services weren’t needed. This meant that he had the rest of the afternoon free, which wasn’t always his favorite. He liked to be useful, he liked to have tasks that needed completion. 

Taking breaks was fine though, and if he ran into any fellow Bureau members, maybe they would need something. With that in mind, Davenport set off for the cafeteria. 

The gnome didn’t make it far before quite literally running into someone. Davenport wasn’t paying attention to where he was going when it felt like he collided with a solid brick wall. He stumbled backwards, and with a yelp of “Davenport!” he tried to keep himself from falling down. 

“O-oh shit, Dav, I am sorry,” The wall-er- Magnus grumbled. There were bags under his eyes, but he smiled anyway and helped Davenport up. Davenport smiled and let Magnus put him back on his feet. 

“Davenport?” When you didn’t have words, the way that you said the words that you had meant everything. He tried to put the concern he felt for his co-worker into the word, hoping that his point got across. Lucy knew how to understand him pretty well, but that is because they have been working together for a long time. 

Magnus seemed to get the point, though, and he smiled again. 

“I am fine, Davenport. Thank you for asking, though. Just tired, after our last mission. Have a lot on my mind-” Magnus started to talk, but then cut himself off with a wave of his hand. “No. I’m great, thank you, Davenport. Do you need anything?”

Davenport shrugged. 

“Davenport.” Magnus clapped him on the shoulder, giving a broad smile that still failed to reach his eyes, and moved on his way, shouting his farewells behind him. Davenport was alone again, so he continued on, but he only had made it a few steps when Magnus was upon him again. 

“Hey, Davenport, you have been here a while, right?” Davenport beamed, nodding. 

“Davenport!” 

“So,” Magnus was even closer than before, his face in clearer view. There weren’t just bags under his eyes- he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Lucy hadn’t let Davenport read the report from Refuge, but it clearly messed the three Reclaimers up.

( _ Davenport had heard that Taako now avoided the cafeteria like the plague, and Merle had been taking more and more “secret” trips planetside, more than ever. _ ) ( _ As he thought this, Davenport felt that same tug, deep down in his mind, but he still didn’t know what it meant. But it didn’t matter. _ )

“You know a bit about the red robes, right?” Davenport blinked. This is not where he thought this conversation would go. 

“Davenport,” He shrugged. Lucy knew the most about them, and even to Davenport she could be cagey about information. 

“Do we know anything of their identities? Of who they were?” Magnus seemed anxious, shifting from foot to foot. 

“Davenport,” He tried to convey his sympathy through voice. 

“Do you know-” Davenport reached out and touched Magnus’ hand lightly, silently telling him to take all of the time that he needed. “Do you know if they were good people? At some point?” 

“Davenport.” 

Magnus seemed disappointed, but smiled anyway. 

“Thanks, Dav. Hey- could you do me a favor? Don’t tell the Director about this? Don’t tell her about this conversation, please.” 

Davenport smiled gently.  _ Anything to help _ , he thought. “Davenport,” he said. 

He spent the rest of the night wandering the moon base, helping out where he could. He helped take Carey’s weights back into storage, although he could only take one at a time where she could pick up four (but she only took two, lecturing Davenport on the importance of not straining yourself). He helped Angus track down someone’s lost watch (sometimes mysteries on the moon weren’t all that exciting). Davenport also picked up some trash that he saw. 

By the end of the night, Davenport felt satisfied that he had done enough to help the moon base. For today, at least. Tomorrow was a whole new day, who knew what they would need! Angus and Lucy might get a breakthrough on the newest relic, Avi might need to send people down planetside, who knows. 

Before he went to bed, Davenport made one last trip to the cafeteria. It was all closed up now, but he had a master key and let himself in. 

It took him a few minutes to get everything he needed, but Davenport got started on making Lucy a sandwich. She wasn’t the greatest for eating on a schedule, or sleeping on a schedule, but that was why Davenport was here. He liked to help her, and plus, he worried. 

_ Bread, ham, lettuce.  _ Fortunately, Lucy wasn’t picky, and without anyone else in the kitchen, there were certain things that he couldn’t reach. The sandwich was simple, and he found an unopened water bottle in the fantasy refrigerator. 

After making the sandwich, Davenport put it on a plate and made his way towards her office. His hands still shook, but with enough deep breaths Davenport was able to get it under control. It was late, and some of the street lights were turning off. He slipped through Lucy’s office, and saw her still sleeping form. 

Her back was going to hurt like hell when she woke up, but Davenport didn’t want to risk waking her up from her sleep. 

As he put the plate down on her desk, it made a clattering noise. Davenport held his breath as Lucy shifted, mumbling something under her breath. 

“Dav,” She whispered, her eyes still closed. Davenport’s eyes widened- she never called him that, but the way that she did held such familiarity and warmth. But what she said next made no sense- her mouth opened, but all Davenport heard was static. “-said she’d wake me up in an hour, then we could go looking for-” More static. “Jus’ five more minutes.” 

Davenport froze in his spot. There was much that he didn’t understand, many things that if he thought too much about his head would ache and his heart would thud out of his chest. But this- this was new. This was  _ worse, _ his head was spinning and something in him was screaming at him to  _ understand _ , no, not understand but  _ remember _ , but Davenport didn’t know what he should remember, he didn’t need to remember anything, he was content with this life that he had, he didn’t need anything else, he had learned how to ignore that gaping hole that was in his soul, Davenport was  _ fine _ , so he was going to ignore whatever had just happened. 

So Davenport turned around, and went to bed. When he woke up the next morning, all of the events from last night was nothing but a faint memory, one that slipped away as the rest of the day continued on. Memories did that, now more often than not. 

Davenport’s hands still shook. He wasn’t nervous or anxious, but his hands would still tremble. That was fine, though. It was a part of him, who he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have never written davenport before and YIKES i hope i did an okay job with it. <3


	7. Seven for the Devil, in His Own Self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter!

It was over. It was  _ all  _ over, and if she thought about that for more than a few seconds, her breath would come too quickly and she would feel lightheaded. 

The Hunger had been defeated. Everyone had their memories back, everyone had been reunited. Their crew, their  _ family  _ was back together again. 

Well, more or less. 

No more than an hour after it had all ended, Lucretia was in her office again, trying to organize some papers. There was so much more to  _ do _ , and not to mention she was a bit fearful of facing Taako’s wrath. So when the door had opened, Lucretia had felt herself shrink into her chair slightly. There was a sense of relief that came when she saw that it was only Davenport, but then even more guilt because it was  _ Davenport.  _

He strode into the room without a word, but with a confident air to him that she hadn’t seen for many years. She stood up awkwardly, feeling uncomfortable.  _ She should, she deserved this-  _

“I’m going away.” 

“Away?” Lucretia was startled, her voice shook before she could catch herself. 

“Away.” He confirmed. Gods, it had been so long since she had heard him spoke with such clarity, much less towards her. He didn’t seem angry, only tired. “I’m travelling. There is so much I haven’t seen-” Davenport seemed to remember who he was speaking to and cut himself off. 

Lucretia didn’t know how to react. It wasn’t like he was asking her, or inviting her. He was telling her that he was leaving, which is more than she thought that she deserved. She watched silently as Davenport grabbed a small pouch, and a few of his books. Before he reached the door, the gnome looked over his shoulder. 

“Take care of yourself, Lucy.” Lucretia allowed a small smile to grace her face. 

“You too, Captain.” 

And just like that, Davenport was gone. Lucretia knew that he wasn’t gone for  _ good,  _ you can’t fight by someone’s side for a full century and disappear from their life forever. But the little click of the door hurt, more than she had expected. 

It wasn’t silent in the office- her walls were relatively thin and she could hear everything that was going on outside- people were working through the damage, trying to salvage what could be salvage. Most of the Bureau members had already fled, and if they weren’t one of the countless lives lost, then they were down planetside. But those who had stayed were going through the wreckage, doing what Lucretia should be doing. 

She sank back down into her seat, hands trembling. It was all  _ over.  _

Distantly, she heard Taako’s voice. She couldn’t exactly make out the words, but it sounded like he was talking to  _ Lup,  _ dear God. She had taken  _ everything  _ from him, left him in a life which led him to think that he had murdered 40 people, made him believe that he was alone in this world.

Tears rose to her eyes, so Lucretia busied herself with paperwork. Since they had all of the relics, the Bureau wasn’t needed any more. Most people would go home, back to their families. Davenport was travelling, Merle might go back and visit his kids, Magnus would find a new city to help defend, probably get a couple of dogs. Who knew what Taako, Barry and Lup would do, but whatever it was they would be  _ together.  _ Angus might go back planetside, and continue to solve mysteries. 

Everyone would go back to their lives, everyone would go back to their families. And Lucretia would be alone again. 

But not  _ again _ . This was a different type of loneliness, before there was always hope. She had always imagined that one day she would find Lup, destroy the Hunger, get her family back, do everything she had been wishing for, and things could go back to normal. Her family would be together and happy again. 

Maybe thinking that everything would fall into place that easily was a bit rash, or maybe it was simply wistful thinking. Lucretia knew that they would be angry- how could they not be? But having Taako point the Umbra-Staff at him like that, and seeing the way Davenport stared at her, it was something that she was wholly unprepared for. The fear she felt when Taako was counting down was real- it was something that she had never felt before. It was different from when she thought Magnus was dead (she should have known better- the three of them are trickier than she had thought them capable of being). Lucretia genuinely thought Taako was going to kill her. 

He probably felt the same way still- Lucretia didn't want to go and check. Lup was much more lenient with forgiveness, more than Taako ever was, but that didn't mean that Lucretia would gain either of the twins respect ever again. 

Magnus and Merle seemed to be the only ones who had already looked past everything. As she thought this, there was a harsh knock on the door, shaking Lucretia out of her thoughts again. She hurriedly wiped away the tears that had began to fall down her face, and cleared her throat.

"Come in," 

The door opened, and Lucretia had another moment of brief fear, praying that it wasn't Taako- or anyone from IPRE for that sake. They may have spent a lot of time apart, but they certainly still knew her well enough to know what she was thinking. 

Merle stepped through the door, beaming. His smile dimmed for a moment when he saw the mess that the room was in, and it was only when Lucretia saw the light pour in from the doorway that she realized how dark the room was. She hurried to turn a light on while Merle closed the door behind him. 

"M- Merle, I wasn't expecting you here-" 

"Calm down, Luce," Merle said, sitting down on the couch. "I just came to see if you wanted to go to a little get together we are having, and-" He hesitated as Lucretia shook her head. "What? Not in the mood for a party?" 

"Why are you really here, Merle?" 

"What, can't a guy invite you to a party? When was the last time you have relaxed, or had fun? Especially now that the Hunger is gone, and we are all back together with our memories, there is not a better time to have a little get-together." Merle's expression softened. "And I wanted to see how you were doing, sister." 

The title was said casually, but it nearly did Lucretia in. Sister. The name warmed her heart, and Lucretia had to busy herself with shuffling papers so he wouldn't see the tears that had risen to her eyes. "Come on, Luce." 

"I can't, Merle- I thank you for the offer, though." 

"Then at least come outside, walk around for a bit with me. We can make fun of Taako's boyfriend, and how disgustingly lovey-dovey they are." 

"I have so much work to do, Merle-" 

"You could always do it later," 

"There is too much to put off, Merle." Lucretia counted. She would love nothing more than to go to this party that he spoke of, but Lucretia wasn't stupid. She knew that Taako would be there, she knew that all of the people she had betrayed would be there. 

"Merle-" 

"Lucretia." Merle snapped back, leaning forward in his seat. Lucretia felt surprised by the passion in his eyes, and recognized it as the look he got whenever he was talking about Pan, or about his children. 

"Why are you here, seriously?" She didn't deserve this kindness, this warmth and familiarity that Merle was giving her. 

"Because you are my family, and I love you, goddammit!" Merle's voice raised his volume, and he only softened when he saw Lucretia's flinch. "We spent over a century together, Lucy. I know you, and I know that all you want to do is lock yourself away. We only just got each other back." Lucretia felt hot tears spilling over her cheeks, and cursed softly under her breath, trying to avoid getting anything on the papers. "Don't lock us out, Lucretia-" 

"Us? I am not so sure that everyone is going to be as forgiving as you." Merle winced, and she knew that he was thinking about Taako. 

"Well, you know Taako. He needs time, he always had. He isn't as in touch with his emotions as good ol' Mags, and he needs to process everything that happened. We all do- you, me, everyone. He might just take more time." Merle’s stone of farspeech lit up in his pocket, and he looked down at it. He begrudgingly took it out, and stood up. “But don’t shut us out, Lucretia. Don’t take yourself away again when we just got our family back together.” 

“I don’t deserve this,” She whispered. Merle shook his head sadly. 

“Yes, you do. You deserve happiness, Lucretia. After so many years of being alone, you deserve the whole world.” Lucretia left her head drop into her hands.

Lucretia was crying openly now, but Merle still leaned over the table and pressed a kiss against the crown of her head. Then he was gone, the door opening and closing behind him. Lucretia forced herself to take a few deep breaths, her shoulders shuddering. Her own stone of farspeech glowed dimly from across the room.

Lucretia wiped the tears off her face, and ignored the stone. 

An incalculable amount of time later, Lucretia found herself on the floor by her bookshelf, pulling out journals that she refused to let herself touch for years. The leather binding still felt cool on her fingertips, and she quickly selected one before she could overthink it. 

_ Cycle four: _

_ Taako and Lup have taken to calling this plane “Lava Land”, and use that as an excuse to play the floor is lava every two minutes. No one has figured out yet if they are just playing one continuous game, or if they simply enjoy screaming “The floor is lava!” at the crew and watching who jumps onto the couches, etc. Magnus has nearly been banned from the game because he almost broke the couch during the second month.  _

Hands trembling, she pulled out another random journal, and flipped to the middle. 

_...This meant that it was just the four of us- me, Taako, Merle, and Magnus. It wasn’t often that one twin had to go through a cycle without the other, but when it did happen, it was hell for all of us. Taako liked to pretend that he was fine, but we knew that the rest of the cycle would be rough.  _

_ But we managed. Magnus got started on figuring out how to drive the Starblaster- Davenport usually was around to drive it, and the rest of us had rather slacked off on practices that he held just in case something like this happened.  _

_ It was strange. I fell into more of a leadership role, one that I did not expect but the three men did most of the work. Since we already had the light, it was easy to just slip back and focus on my writing while the others did their thing.  _

Another journal. Then another. Flipping to random pages Lucretia went over as much as she could until her eyes were so filled with tears that she was incapable of reading another word.

Her heart felt like it was aching, like it was going to beat out of her chest. Her stone of farspeech was flashing on her desk, so without thinking too much about it, she picked it up and raised it to her face. 

“Lucretia!” It was Magnus-  _ Gods alive,  _ why were they all talking to her? She didn’t deserve this- she deserved to burn in Hell for everything she had done, she at the very least didn’t deserve them to treat her as well as they were. They should cast her aside, curse her out, pretend she doesn’t exist, do all of that and worse, not whatever this is, of them being nice. “Lucretia? Are you there?” 

Lucretia tried to clear her throat as quietly as she could before speaking. 

“Hello, Magnus.” But her voice was still shaking, still heavy with sobs, and she knew that Magnus would pick up on that instantly. 

“Lucretia? What is going on?” She couldn’t find it in her to respond, the urge to cry barrelling up through her body. It was all that she could do to hold it in, but still a tiny muffled cry slipped from her mouth. “Do you want me to come over?” 

“No- Magnus, you don’t need-” 

“I’m coming over.” 

Sometimes, Lucretia wouldn’t allow herself to imagine the distant future- all that was certain was that the Hunger would be defeated. She didn’t know if the rest of the IPRE crew would regain their memories, or what would happen. After Wonderland, she briefly considered the reality that she might not come out of this fight alive. 

But she never pictured what would happen if her family was brought back, and the Hunger was gone. Maybe she was scared. Lucretia  _ was  _ scared,  _ is  _ scared. 

But with Magnus still speaking into the stone, and telling her that he was on his way, and with the faint smell of flowers that Merle had brought into the room, she had a glimmer of hope, just for a second. They were a family- she had to remind herself. And (most of them) still loved her. While she still had so much work to do, it was okay. There were a lot of things that she would still have to make up- evil things that she deserved, painful things that she might receive. But that was fine. She had made it through a century of Hunger, she had made it through a decade of being alone- Hell, she had gone through Wonderland (more tears began to well up, but she brushed them away because dammit, she was the fucking Madam Director). 

The Hunger was gone. The crew was back together again. They had  _ saved the world _ , and Lucretia would like to think that she helped more than not. Maybe she did deserve all of Hell to rain down on her. But for now Magnus was knocking at the door, and Lucretia couldn’t find herself to care about all of the awful things that she had done. Not for now, at least. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me so long to upload! i actually re-wrote this chapter twice. at one point i had a scene where taako burst in to confront lucretia, but then changed that to make him angrier, but then just deleted it because it seemed much too out of character.   
> im incredibly happy to have this fic finished! thank you so much for all of the comments and kudos!!! this fic has been so fun to write and oof. i love it a lot.   
> i have another taz fic on this ao3 account, and i will be posting some more taz fics (i have a shorter oneshot in the works right now) soon!!  
> thank you so soso oso o much for reading <3


End file.
